Iambic Speech

(I've been on a stand up comedy binge and since I couldn't pick up Christopher Titus' new special earlier today -- which was really disappointing -- I decided to watch ones on YouTube, the most recent one being an Ellen DeGeneres one, so here are some excerpts from that particular show called Here and Now. The stressed syllables are in all caps, and the non-stressed are not.) (Also keep in mind that scansion has never been my strong suit and while I hear that we mostly speak in iambic pentameter, but I also hear some sporadic syllables that sneak in there that mess up the rhythm, which I suppose is normal. I don't think speech is exactly one thing 100% of the time.)

1. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ellen DeGeneres!" (la-DIES and GEN-tle-MEN, please WEL-come EL-len DE-gen-ER-es!)

2. "What a lovely way to start work, thank you very much!" (what A love-LY way to START work, THANK you VER-y MUCH!)

3. "Some of you need to get babysitters, especially if you have kids." (some OF you NEED to GET ba-BY-sit-ers, ES-peciall-Y if YOU have KIDS.)

4. "Now the one thing I think we all have in common is that we want to laugh." (NOW the ONE thing I THINK we ALL have in COM-mon is THAT we WANT to LAUGH.)

5. "When there's something I'm supposed to do, I'll do anything other than the one thing I'm supposed to do." (When there's SOME-thing I'M SUP-posed TO do, i'll DO an-Y-thing O-ther than the ONE thing I'M SUP-posed to DO.)

6. "Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" (WHY should I pay a STRANG-er to LIST-en to ME talk when I can GET STRANG-ers to PAY to LIST-en to ME talk?)

7. "What kind of job is that to come up with the names for paint colors?" (what KIND of JOB is THAT to come UP with the NAMES for PAINT COL-ors?)

8. "And the phone rang..." (AND the PHONE RANG.)

9. "And I said 'Who am I kidding, I'm never going to get around to writing about procrastination.'" (and I said WHO am I KID-ding, I'M NE-ver GO-ing to GET a-ROUND to WRIT-ing A-bout PRO-cras-TIN-a-TION.)

10. "You had to hate something bad enough to get up and walk that five feet to change the channel." (you HAD to HATE some-THING bad E-nough to GET up AND walk THAT five FEET to CHANGE the CHAN-nel.)

11. "It was a simpler time back then..." (it WAS a SIMP-ler TIME back THEN...)

12. "I believe someday sitcoms will be thirty seconds long." (i BE-lieve SOME-day SIT-coms WILL be THIR-ty SEC-onds LONG.)

13. "I was watching the news the other day... brought to you by Paxil..." (I was WATCH-ing the NEWS the OTH-er DAY ... brought TO you by PAX-il...)

14. "'It could be the most deadly thing in the world, and you could be having it for dinner. We'll tell you what it is tonight at eleven.'" (it COULD be THE most DEAD-ly thing IN the WORLD, and YOU could be HAV-ing IT for DIN-ner. WE'LL tell YOU what IT is TO-night AT e-LEV-en.)